I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Is it because I queefed?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize