I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
