just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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