The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
