Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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