AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
