He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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