I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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