I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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