so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
