I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
