i permit you to call me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize