My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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