All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i came on her dog
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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