the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
