Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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