Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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