i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This is classic penis vs brain.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
