It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
