please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
