There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize