youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
