its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
