i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i drank out of a bidet.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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