Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
