He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
