I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
