The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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