and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
