I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize