He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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