We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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