No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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