I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
