And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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