suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
