i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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