It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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