Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
