There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
3 2 1 whiskey
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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