I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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