Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
