Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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