I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
