I faked an abortion last night.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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