I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
