cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just cut my nipple shaving
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
