If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So here I am, sexting at work.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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