Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
