My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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