I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
