OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
