I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
