i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
