Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
