worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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