I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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