he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
