Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize