So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
