Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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