her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
